paint

i thought i was okay

but every time

my world cracks a little

memories, guilt and pain 

seep through the crevices 

i patch up the cracks 

one at a time

paint over them 

with pretty colors

i wipe off my hands

get up to wash them in the sink

knowing well

they will be covered 

in paint again soon

Yosemite in Gold

Soaked up the reds and golds while camping in Yosemite Valley this Veterans Day weekend with some great company. Hiked up a bone dry but still beautiful Mist Trail by day and cozied up to the campfire by night. 

STATS & FACTS:

Camp Snack: Twin Snakes Gummies
Camp Song: "Bed" by J. Holiday
Miles Hiked: 11
Burritos Eaten: 2
In-N-Out Trips: 2
Vernal Falls Status: Trickle
Nevada Falls Status: Dribble 
Tagline: "Shook by nature." (refer to image below)

Am I A Woman Yet?

For years, I have asked myself, "When am I going to be a woman?" Not a girl, but a woman. Was it the autumn I turned twelve and got my first period? Was it the summer I held a boy's hand for the first time or in the fall when we first kissed? Was it the first time I fell in love?

I wondered when a little girl with her mom would point to me and say, "That woman over there."

Was I a woman when I turned eighteen? A legal adult or an adult child. Was it when I went to college? Was it the first time a man cat-called me? The first time I had sex? Or when I turned twenty-one?

Was I a woman when I graduated college? When my students called me by "Ms." or when my high school biology teacher asked me to call her by her first name? What about when I worked my first nine-to-five job? Will it be when I get married? Buy my first house? When people start calling me "Doctor"?

I think I had it all wrong. I am not sure when Day One of Womanhood began. But I think becoming a woman for me has been less dependent on the way others see me and more dependent on how I have started to view myself. In this exact, but very fleeting moment,  I am more sure than ever of who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. And I think that becoming a woman started when I began to realize just that.


Written with Florence + The Machine playing softly in the background.

Eastside

My musings while wandering through Philly and NYC.


You know that moment when you are descending from the clouds and looking at the vast world spread out beneath you, thinking about how small you are in comparison, wondering if you have made all the right decisions leading up to this point, all while a sad song plays in the background through your EarPods? That was this moment.


Perfection.


i remember the time 
we woke up early 
and drove to the river 
to see the sunrise
and i remember the time 
we drove to the beach 
to watch the sunset
-sunset


One night, Kari and I sat on her bed and listened to the song "Eastside" three times in a row and I cried a lot.


I like this photo because, even though my lips are squiggled into a crooked smile, my stance seems to be one of power.


I sat on a bench on The High Line for a couple hours, reading and waiting for Mara to get off of work so we could go to dinner together. Hundreds of people passed by - couples, families, friends - holding hands, snapping photos, chatting about their day. The scenery around me kept changing. New visitors would share the bench with me every so often. The weather became colder. But I kept reading. At one point, I noticed the air become still. No footsteps or casual conversation. No camera phone shutters. I looked around and The High Line was clear.


According to Meyers-Briggs I am an extrovert, but there was something about that moment that was so cathartic. On my own, but not lonely. Safe. Happy. And everything is okay.


Dinner with Mara at a rooftop garden fairyland. Though we can only see each other every so often and live thousands of miles apart, some things will never change.


This is Kari. A light in my life. One of a kind. A true friend.


"I have declared my independence!"
Independence Hall
Philadelphia, PA
September 21, 2018. 

My 25th Autumn

Autumn, my favorite season of the year. A time of transition and gratitude. Every fall I hit the reset button and reflect on the past year. Maybe it's the changing color of the leaves or the crisp autumn air. Maybe it's the celebration of another birthday or the arrival of my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. Whatever the spark, fall brings me joy in looking back on the year and looking to the boundless opportunity ahead.

This year has not gone by without its losses. The loss of a loved one. The loss of a meaningful relationship. But there have been triumphs as well. Beginning my clinical career as a student dentist. Waking up everyday happy and excited to go to work. A sense of purpose I have not felt in such a long time.

This year, as I turn a quarter of a century, I want it to be a year of caring for myself. My mind. My body. My spirit. My heart. My dreams.

My mind.
Sleep. Meditate. Let go of technology. Read more.

My body.
Cook more. Eat breakfast every morning. Skin care. Hike. Spend time in nature. More yoga.

My spirit.
Go to church. Read feminist literature. Know my self worth. Practice gratitude.

My heart.
Be easier on myself. Be vulnerable. Spend time with loved ones. Catch up with old friends.

My dreams.
Stay creative. Write more. Take more photos. Take an art class. Dance.

Cheers.

okay

to: you

i was in oakland on friday
it was the first time i had taken bart
back to the east bay
since the the last time
i saw you

i got off at the same station i used to
but you weren't there
and yet
you were everywhere

i passed by bars
we used to sip cocktails at
walked by the exact space
where you parked your car
i passed by your street

in a crowd of people
i was secretly wishing
i'd see your face

i'd run up to you
and give you a big hug
squeeze your arm

i'd hope that you'd know
i wanted you to be happy
i want the best for you
nothing less

i'd hope you'd know
from my hug
but
you were nowhere

and i was
searching
hoping
waiting
wishing
that you are okay

from: me

Wandering in a Dream

Some things from my sweetest of dreams. Shot in Amsterdam, Giethoorn and Brugge...

 

Freshly baked apple pie topped with whipped cream. 

Assorted flowers in assorted vases beneath hanging plants and geometric mobiles.

Peaceful walks along the quiet Amsterdam canals in between rain showers.

The fairytale village of Giethoorn...

...where the only way to get around is by walking across its wooden bridges...

...or taking a ride in one of the whisper boats.

Cottages with thatched roofs and covered in vines.

 

Hydrangeas in the garden.

Getting lost in Hortus Botanicus.

 

Discovering vintage botanical prints...

...and finding succulents that look like jewels.

The humid mist in the butterfly sanctuary...

...and the dry heat of the desert greenhouse.

Lemon meringue and chocolate cream tarts for an afternoon treat.

Colorful buildings in the Markt of Brugge.

Shopping for daisies at the Wednesday farmers market...

...but scoring a Belgian waffle instead.

Pinterest perfect front doors...

and cozy rooms illuminated by skylight. 

Ancient waterways and cobblestone streets that wind through this medieval city.

And the travel buddy who made this trip unforgettable.

The Land of Fire and Ice

My friend, Rebecca, and I drove around Iceland for a few days to beautiful locations that we could not pronounce.

Hallgrimskirkja Church

Hallgrimskirkja Church

Downtown Reykjavik

Gullfoss

Strokkur Geyser

Bruarfoss

Glacial Silt 

Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach

Reynisfjell Basalt Columns

Vik

Svartifoss

Fjaðrárgljúfur

Skogafoss